terça-feira, fevereiro 21, 2006

Salmos Eróticos 8 (e últimos!)

Toni Bigodes era o maior engatatão da Praia de Armação de Pêra. Não havia bifa que lhe resistisse; Corpo bronzeado, tatuagem “Amor de mãe” no braço, um bigode viril e uma extraordinária eloquência na língua inglesa que deixava boquiaberto qualquer professor de literatura do Sudão. O seu nome correu o Algarve. As camones loiras, mal aterravam no Aeroporto de Faro, perguntavam imediatamente pelo Toni; “Where is Tóni”, “We need Tóni”, eram as interpelações mais ouvidas pelos agentes alfandegários. Tanto, que começaram a ser entregues panfletos com todas as indicações necessárias ao mesmo tempo que se carimbavam os passaportes.
Apesar deste sucesso internacional, Toni nunca deixou as portuguesas de mãos a abanar e aos Sábados à noite o seu Toyota Corolla de 73 era visto a abanar por detrás do campo de futebol dos “Armacenenses”. Nenhum outro carro terá levado tantos amortecedores traseiros Monroe como o seu. Fora isso, apenas uma ou outra vez, foi forçado a mudar os botões do rádio que elas partiam com os saltos dos sapatos. Se Júlio César foi o Imperador de Roma, Toni Bigodes foi o Imperador do Sexo de Armação.
Infelizmente, tal como todos os grandes imperadores tiveram o seu fim. Tal como César foi apunhalado, Toni, apesar de não ter partilhado tal desprazer (as únicas facadas foram-lhe deferidas nas rodas do carro por uma faca Gimsu da Odete cabeleireira) também viria a conhecer o seu inesperado declínio.
Muito se conjecturou sobre as razões deste súbito eclipse. No entanto, a verdadeira causa da sua desgraça foi revelada por um amigo dum amigo dum primo em segundo grau. Tudo aconteceu quando uma fulana chegou ao aeroporto e perguntou logo por ele. Mal recebeu o mapa da Região de turismo, pôs-se num táxi e lá foi ao 2º esquerdo do Beco do carapau. O inesperado aconteceu quando a mulher, após receber uma estocada mais viril do nosso homem, soltou o último suspiro e… morreu-lhe nos braços. O seu pequeno cérebro transformou-se num turbilhão de ideias em conflito. Por um lado lamentava a morte da mulher, mas por outro não conseguia deixar de se sentir vaidoso com a sua perfomance sexual. Quando a noticia espalhasse, o seu nome seria um Mito e passaria a figurar nos livros de história mundial – Toni, o homem que mata mulheres com uma simples penetração! – Soava-lhe bem, sim, senhor!
- Estou, senhor Toni. Fala o cirurgião do Hospital de Portimão. É para lhe falar daquela… rapariga que o INEM foi buscar à sua casa. Lamento confirmar a sua morte. Tentámos reanimá-la mas não havia nada a fazer.
- Eu compreendo senhor doutor. Olhe, estou de rastos. Nunca imaginei que a minha virilidade pusesse causar tantos transtornos…
- Como? Desculpe, não percebo.
- Então… matei-a de forma involuntária, não foi? Eu não queria fazer-lhe mal!
- Mas, senhor Toni, o senhor não a matou. Ela simplesmente… adormeceu-lhe nos braços. Como chamou o 112, o médico do INEM resolveu traze-la por precaução. A ambulância despistou-se no caminho e… ela morreu no acidente.
- Adormeceu?... Que raio? Quer dizer que não fui eu quem matou a gaja?
- Pois… Isso era outra coisa que queria falar consigo. Esta senhora… não era uma senhora, mas um senhor! Bem disfarçado, por sinal, mas tinha o equipamento completo, se me compreende… Espanta-me como o senhor não sabia.
- Mas… ela disse-me que gostava de experimentar coisas novas e… oh, meu Deus!... Doutor, diga-me uma coisa.
- O quê?
- Os homens não engravidam, pois não?

80 Comments:

Blogger HatA/mãe said...

OH! Francis,
Só tu mesmo. Esta trágicocomedia, está divertida, com aquele refinado sentido de humor que te é peculiar.
Um bom dia, diabinho maroto...

6:11 da manhã  
Blogger Andreia Ramos said...

esta demais!adoro mm vir ao teu blog, acredita!tem um bom dia!beijinho!

1:34 da tarde  
Blogger Flor said...

- Dr?
- Sim?
- Últimos, ele disse últimos, não disse Dr?


:-))

2:12 da tarde  
Blogger naoseiquenome usar said...

Epá! Isso não se faz! Destroçar assim o coração do pobre Toni! ... A vida dele nunca mais será a mesma.
Mas...
por outro lado, a recuperação ainda me parece possível. Já alguém disse ao Toni que o sonho de qualquer mulher seria adormecer nos seus braços?
:))))

Beijoooooo.

3:27 da tarde  
Blogger MRF said...

mas agora, Francis, deste-lhe cabo da fama! :)))

3:57 da tarde  
Blogger Cruzeiro said...

um verdadeiro drama da vida real...:))

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Blogger ≈♥ Nadir ♥≈ said...

risos
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Blogger River said...

Great!!! Clap! Clap! Clap! :D

"O último" não é??... ehehehheehhhehehehehehehhehehehehhehehhehehehehhehhheh....

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SLB SLB SLB SLB SLB GLORIOSO SLB GLORIOSO SLB!!!!!!!!!!!! andei a semana toda a dizer "Até os comemos!" e não é que foi mesmo sem espinhas e tudo!!!! aquele abraço benfiquista

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Anonymous Anónimo said...

Esse gajo deve ser primo do zezé camarinha :-))

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Blogger Talk Talk said...

O Toni ainda vai a tempo de recuperar... a bem do turismo nacional!!!
Um abraço.

3:31 da tarde  
Anonymous Anónimo said...

é sempre o ultimo, o ultimo, mas grças a Deus k vai vim mais um... e mais um... lololololol olha agradeço por me teres visitado (http://spaces.msn.com/xanitalmeida) mas fico triste por nao deixares um comentário! bjs










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Blogger alfinete de peito said...

Mto bom, gostei bastante!

Coitadinho do Toni, deve estar com a moral e não só em baixo.

Temos dito.

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Blogger papagaio said...

um drama que daca um reality show de facto ,mas a personagem nao é de portimao?eheh é que um toni bigodes de portimao conheço e pessoalmente
ehehe abraços

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Blogger inBluesY said...

hhehehehe
espectáculo
muito giro !

9:43 da tarde  
Blogger HatA/mãe said...

Vim dar um abraço, numa madrugada particularmente triste...
Já tinha lido este post, mas neste dia seria dificil sorrir, para o proximo post, já não será assim.

5:49 da manhã  
Blogger sue said...

Pour Tóny pá! ninguém merece um final tão dramático, pá! Para a próxima tem de haver um happy ending :D
eheheheheheheheeee

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Anonymous alyia said...

ehehheheheheheh vou ficar a rir uma eternidade! tu lembras-te de cada uma...

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Blogger Raquel V. said...

AHHAHHAHHAH!
Rais parta o homem que tem cá uma mania...

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